watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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