i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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