My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
