He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
