It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
