I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I could make wine with my vomit
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
