New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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