Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
