Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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