dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize