I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
