I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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