I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
