I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
3pm strippers are depressing
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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