I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
