he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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