id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
