It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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