running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
