I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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