At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
