One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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