At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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