She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize