Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
