Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
