Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Pooping to opera.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
