Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
