we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
