you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
