Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
