The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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