I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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