i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
