you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
