You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
