only if we run a train.
done.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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