I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
