I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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