I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize