I can't watch pbs sober anymore
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
