i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
