Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
