WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
