yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
