Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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