Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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