someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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