Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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