Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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