My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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