Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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