This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
