Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
