Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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