my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
