i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
