Little spoons don't ask big questions
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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