i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
